Archive for the ‘Life & Experimentation’ Category

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Cool3 Valentine

January 26, 2010

It’s not as easy as Beyoncé says
“Those walls I built”
did come tumbling down
but not as easily.
Me: beaten, battered and bruised
in every sense of the term
and I brought it all to you….
I didn’t know how to handle it
You ignored it
grew with it
later detested it
And I was gone….

4 weeks of growing loneliness
in every sense of the term
I grew without you
I grew without me
And became a new me.
I was happy
lowered bait
And you came back.
I was sick
you fed me
And I grew back.

You shook more sense into my head than
a psychologist could
And ya did it without pay
which is always really good.
I struggled
You fought
I lost lives
You gave more
And I came of age.
…Scratch that.
Am coming of age ’cause
there’s still a ways to go.

I’m open
growing more
you love it
and I do too.
I love you
and that’s been there
has been there
and always will be there.

You’ve become that “Haitian prince” with
a weird haircut
that matches mine.
We can grow our hair together and hopefully
our kids will be fatter than us….

Te amo, baby 😀

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Weird, I Know….

August 21, 2009

I got a low cut.
Look like a boy, on the side
but a long string of curls
or a mohawk
will hang from the front.

I like graphic tees
and tight jeans.
I got a Transformers shirt,
A shirt that says “Wifey,”
and a plaid tee that’s faded.

My toes are bright;
My nails are long;
My converses can fill an entire closet.

I’m weird!
I know this.
I love this.
…It might be a fad
but fuck it
I like.
You talkin’ trash
is not hurtin’ me
’cause I’m not
doin’ this
to please you.
So whatever satisfaction
you got
from trashin’ me
is bull
and you’re trash
for sayin’ it.

I’ve may have
changed my look
since graduation
but
your mentality
sure hasn’t.

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Had me at “Hello”?? …No.

July 11, 2009

Dude ever had you at “Hello”?
Strong statement, isn’t it?
…From the moment he opened his mouth,
you were sold?
That sort’ve inconceivable
I mean, you most likely knew nothing bout the man
His highlights
His faults
His triumphs
His failures
Whether he likes Pepsi or Coke
As dumb as that sounds
it’s often the little things
that win a man’s heart

Females forget that
in addition to the pussy
…if you come home
set the TV to his favorite channel
cook his favorite meal
organize his messy files
and lay out his favorite off-of-work outfit
all BEFORE he walks in the door
…yall will be fucking a night

Take the time to know his pet peeves
and don’t do them
…as long as they’re not hindering you
you’ve now bettered life for him and yourself

If you’re with a man
your should have your life in order
you’re standing your ground
he knows that
and now it’s time to put someone before yourself
Your God is already on high
so a man above you
is not unprioritized
because he’s put you before himself
way before you recognized
the little things

When he first said “Hi”
you were hooked on the little things
…now, it’s something you know
and adhere in your life
you’re not doing it to keep him
you’re doing it to better him
yourself
and your relationship with God

God made him the way he is
…You recognizing what God has done
is only bringing you closer to his castle

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No Attachments

June 29, 2009

Lost my Focus when I was 10
Daddy took the stability when he left
A couple of visits, phone calls and cash was my fatherly figure
Reading poetry beyond my years was his way of showing that his child was smart
Went to his house 5 times since he left
Still don’t know his house number
And that’s all it was for 6 years
No quality time
Just show-off time

Called me an idiot when I didn’t make NHS
Made me work harder, smarter and worrisome ’til I did
Then college became a money factor when he realized that I wasn’t the only smart girl in the world
My major…stupid
My school…too much
Staying on campus…what for?
All the crazy things he’s said to keep his money from me were ignored ’cause I wanted a Daddy, not a pocketbook

Asking for money for anything seemed like pulling teeth
Headaches and nightmares and crying sessions became the norm
Grown ass woman…got into one of the best schools in the nation, but that didn’t matter
It’s not the field of his choice and not in his price range, so I’m screwed
That pissed me off

I finally decided to say “F*ck You” and choose the school and major of my liking
Imma perfect my work and party my ass off and it’s nothing you can do about it ’cause I’m not letting you contribute to sh*t

Never thought my Dad would be a hater…but I gotta grow up, sometime
He was never Daddy, just him
And that’s fine with me

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For a song that relates to this topic, download “Anymore” by Emmy Rossum, and follow her on Twitter: @emmyrossum

“I will not let you define everything I am by one thing that I don’t have…’cause I’m more than that. …I will not be ashamed of my name, anymore.” 🙂

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Stops the Growth….

June 24, 2009

I try to grow
but then the clingy-ness starts
and it stops the growth.
…I want to be
yesterday’s successor
wear the crown on my head
but when I clutch him like a glove
I get rags, instead.
…I can’t stand clingy b*tches
can’t live without they man
but where am I at 4 days a week?
…I guess I’ll never understand.
…I know I’m not the only being seeking attention
but when it comes to his privacy
it’s something I don’t even mention.
…I don’t wanna be the clingy, stuck-up b*tch
that screams out “no love”
…but that takes time and patience
which I got a lot of;
when I sit and think about it
I’m the one I’m annoyed of.
…It’s sick…I get mad when he wants his own
but I need shut up ’cause it’s part of being grown.
…I’m 20-years-old, still seeking the teenage life
but the fact that I wrote this poem notates progression of a strife.

…I’m Doing [not trying] it!!!

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Why Must You Alter???

June 9, 2009

Gotta shape up or ship out, right?
Adapt to the times, fix yourself, or be gone.
…it’s not an overnight thing
You don’t wake up the next day all shaped up
…It takes time
But most importantly
Dedication.

You can spend all night staring at a math problem,
but if you put any effort towards it,
nothing’ll get done.

…You have to want to do something, yourself
before you can do it for anyone else.
You and your God are the most important beings in your life
If you don’t please them
You’re not pleasing anything.

…The teenage years of changing yourself
for the man
for the girl
for whomever you’re trying to please
is set for teenage years
to teach you how not to conduct yourself.
…If a peer hints at a fault
and you acknowledge it, as well
that creates more incentive to better your fault
not the sole reasoning for this fixing, get me???

…It’s not about the man
it’s about The Man
and the person who just said “The Man”
which is You.
…Don’t make someone else your reasoning for change
make YOU your reasoning for change
’cause the only two to witness your Final Judgement is
The Man
and the man He’ll speak to.

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Black Trash Bags

June 1, 2009

I was 10…
…10 years old…
…when you walked out that door.
You said, “This is for the best and God Bless.”
…My Mother and I sat on the couch
And watched Jay Leno tell some stupid joke
As you gathered your things
And left.
…I crawled closer to my Mother…
…and I didn’t sob,
I didn’t cry,
I didn’t scream…
…I was just confused.

…I came home from school one day
And saw what it seemed like
Dozens of black trash bags
Filled with your things.
…I ripped them open
And tried to put your items back.
“I don’t understand, Mom;
I don’t get it.
Why is Daddy’s stuff tucked away?”
…She said…
…”He wants to be somewhere else,
So I’m letting him be.”

…I ran to my Great-Grandmother’s house.
I screamed and told her my Mom was ludicrous,
But she couldn’t respond….
…She was very ill and had to deal with her own issues.
…I crawled into her nursing bed
And just laid on her chest;
…Her heartbeat was the ONLY thing
That kept me sound.
…The beat put me to sleep…
…and I dreamt of the days
When they didn’t hate each other.
…My Great-Grandfather
Walked into the room
And said,
“She’s been looking all over for you, Pammie.
Head home, child.
I need to be with my wife now.”

…I came back home
To see my Mother
Throwing hard objects at my Father
And my Father striking back
And my Brother walking upstairs…
…ignoring it all….
“Stop, yall, stop!”
I screamed and screamed and SCREAMED
And couldn’t feel
My neighbor dragging me out the house.

…The following day,
As I came home from school,
I heard my mother
SHOUTING,
“You got that bitch on my phone!
Get the hell out!”
…My Mother lurched toward him
And I ran out the house.

…I just ran and ran…
…and it seemed like
Chester’s streets were too little
And not big enough
For me to run
‘Til my legs got tired.
…I ran around the whole city…
…just trying to fill the time,
So I wouldn’t have to see them argue.
…I finally ended on 10th Street,
Dropped to my knees,
And sobbed,
Uncontrollably;
…Tears of confusion
Streamed down my face
And onto the ground.
…I could feel my stomach grumbling
And hated the fact
That I had to return to
THAT HOUSE
To satisfy this STUPID thing called hunger.

…I made my way back,
To walk in and see the black trash bags
Scattered across the floor,
AGAIN!
…I removed a picture from one
And spotted one of Daddy, my Brother, and I holding each other….
…I screamed…
…Really…loudly…
And tore it into pieces.
…I turned,
To see my Father walking into the room.
I brushed pass him,
Ran into my room,
And slammed the door.
…Just the sight of him
Made me wanna cry
…and pretending that I never saw him
Made me feel better….
…It seemed like sleeping
Was my only haven
Through all of that chaos.

I was waken, hours later,
To the hurling of those
Big…
Black…
Ugly…
Trash bags
Down our steps.
…I walked downstairs
And sat on the couch
Next to my Mother.
…As he moved
HIS things
Into the car,
…I could feel
The confusion…
…And anger…
…And hatred…
I had inside.

…Why’d you leave,
Huh?!
What’s the matter?!
Were we not good enough?!
Was I not a good enough child for you?!
Did my Mother not do all you wanted?
Was she not pretty enough?!
Did we stink?!
Did we look ugly?!
Were my Brother and I too much of nerds for you?!
Did my Mother not please you the way you wanted?!
Was your ass too horny to wait ‘til you got home from work?!
And why…
Why…
Did you renew your vows
And let your family look like fools in the Chapel
And lie in front of God,
If you didn’t want what the fuck we were there for?!
Why Dad, why?!
Please make me understand
Because I still don’t get it
And this shit happened
Almost 9 years ago.
Why…
You asshole?!
WHY?!….

…I sat on that couch and tried to find a reason…
…But I still don’t have one.
You left us because you were impatient
And that…
…I CANNOT…
Forgive you for.
…I love you…
But grow the HELL UP!