Archive for the ‘Clinginess’ Category

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No Attachments

June 29, 2009

Lost my Focus when I was 10
Daddy took the stability when he left
A couple of visits, phone calls and cash was my fatherly figure
Reading poetry beyond my years was his way of showing that his child was smart
Went to his house 5 times since he left
Still don’t know his house number
And that’s all it was for 6 years
No quality time
Just show-off time

Called me an idiot when I didn’t make NHS
Made me work harder, smarter and worrisome ’til I did
Then college became a money factor when he realized that I wasn’t the only smart girl in the world
My major…stupid
My school…too much
Staying on campus…what for?
All the crazy things he’s said to keep his money from me were ignored ’cause I wanted a Daddy, not a pocketbook

Asking for money for anything seemed like pulling teeth
Headaches and nightmares and crying sessions became the norm
Grown ass woman…got into one of the best schools in the nation, but that didn’t matter
It’s not the field of his choice and not in his price range, so I’m screwed
That pissed me off

I finally decided to say “F*ck You” and choose the school and major of my liking
Imma perfect my work and party my ass off and it’s nothing you can do about it ’cause I’m not letting you contribute to sh*t

Never thought my Dad would be a hater…but I gotta grow up, sometime
He was never Daddy, just him
And that’s fine with me

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For a song that relates to this topic, download “Anymore” by Emmy Rossum, and follow her on Twitter: @emmyrossum

“I will not let you define everything I am by one thing that I don’t have…’cause I’m more than that. …I will not be ashamed of my name, anymore.” 🙂

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Why Must You Alter???

June 9, 2009

Gotta shape up or ship out, right?
Adapt to the times, fix yourself, or be gone.
…it’s not an overnight thing
You don’t wake up the next day all shaped up
…It takes time
But most importantly
Dedication.

You can spend all night staring at a math problem,
but if you put any effort towards it,
nothing’ll get done.

…You have to want to do something, yourself
before you can do it for anyone else.
You and your God are the most important beings in your life
If you don’t please them
You’re not pleasing anything.

…The teenage years of changing yourself
for the man
for the girl
for whomever you’re trying to please
is set for teenage years
to teach you how not to conduct yourself.
…If a peer hints at a fault
and you acknowledge it, as well
that creates more incentive to better your fault
not the sole reasoning for this fixing, get me???

…It’s not about the man
it’s about The Man
and the person who just said “The Man”
which is You.
…Don’t make someone else your reasoning for change
make YOU your reasoning for change
’cause the only two to witness your Final Judgement is
The Man
and the man He’ll speak to.

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Blue Screen

May 28, 2009
what you feel
in your stomach
is angst
…wanting to know
whether
that person
you texted
is eager to answer
you
back.
he just might be
busy
he just might be
ignoring you
but what he’s
doing
isn’t
some of your
concern
it’s
all
of your
concern.
start watching the
stupidest shows
or movies
you’ve seen
10 times over;
maybe distraction
by the dumb
will produce a
response from
whom
you
admire.
give anything
for that
screen to turn blue
for that
cell to vibrate
for that
ringtone to sound off.
constant, constant, constant wants
of him to answer his phone
constant, constant, constant desires
of acknowledgment from the main hope.
constant demands of someone else is
enough to drive you
stir-crazy
but it’s not
stir crazy
it’s “love,”
right?
it’s wanting to be
wanted by someone
other than
God
your mother
and yourself

the above is where
so many females
go sooo wrong
…the response of the man
the touch of the man
is more important than
the hang-out you and your mother planned
more important than
handling your business for class
more important than
attending church on Sunday
hoping not to miss a certain from the
“almighty one.”
the man becomes the center of
your center

and if he leaves
you’re left with
what the fuck?!
…i know this from experience
i know every situation is different
but i know i felt like this
i know many other females that have felt like this
i know family members and friends that are declared insane from situations like this
…all for what
so a boy can say hi?
so you can feel special?
…if you and your God
aren’t enough to
inspire thanks
every morning
then you aren’t sure
of who
you are.
re-examine who you were
before men
re-examine who you were
when it was just you
your Grandma
and your Bible
re-examine who you were
before you
needed that cell

you have to love yourself
before you love a man
all the hate in you
will reflect upon the Mister
and although no one’s perfect
how can you grow up…white-pickett fence
without growing up…hole of the soul

lovin yourself is wayyy better
dying for a blue screen

“relax. relate. release.”
find the bitch-ass and conquer

🙂